【雅思写作批改】如何把一个 5分论点句变成7分

各位学霸们好，今天黄老师给大家带来一位学生的雅思大作文作业批改片段，学生目标分数6.5分。

练习文章如下：

Some people say that young people are more influenced by their friends than parents or teachers. Agree or disagree?

练习片段（论点句）：Friend are the same in their ages. They are easier to have the same hobbies. Also, they have common topics to talk about. So that, their friend’s thinking and behavior will impact them.（评分：5分 – 主要原因：句型过于简单）

黄老师点评：这是典型的简单句叠加句型。对于目标分数在6分或者以上的学生来说一定需要避免，黄老师的建议是：论点句的逻辑链一定要一句话写完，不要把一个完整的逻辑链拆分成两三句话或者更多。

解题思路分析

那么首先，我们来合并前两句话：(使用：and并列结构)

Friends are in the same age and easier to have the same hobbies.

然后，我们来合并后两句话：（使用：，which定语从句）

Also, they have common topics to talk about, which means their friend’s thinking and behavior will impact them.

下一步，我们来把整条逻辑链合并：（使用：because状语从句）

Because friends are in the same age and easier to have the same hobbies, they have common topics to talk about, which means their friend’s thinking and behavior will impact them.

然后，我们来进行点题：（题干核心词young people并未在论点中出现）

Because friends are in the same age and easier to have the same hobbies, they have common topics to talk about, which means the thinking and behavior of youngsters ‘friends will impact them. (6分水平)

最后，我们把词汇加工一下：（如果需要7分的同学则需要这一步）

Because friends are in the same age and have the same hobbies, it is easy for adolescent to share common topics with their peers, which means the mindset and behavior of whoever youngsters surround themselves with can have a profound impact on them.

此处我们用到：（7分则需要一定程度的词汇复杂度和多样性，和精确度）

-adolescent & youngsters 替代young people

-peer 替代friends

-share 替代have

-mindset 替代 ideas

-名词性从句whoever youngsters surround themselves with再次替代friends

-profound修饰impact